How do you plan a snack-ranking date?

Why a snack is a good date

Agree a budget and dietary needs, pick a few snacks and compare them using playful categories such as crunch, surprise and whether you would buy them again. Sharing is optional; the point is to give you both an easy subject for conversation.

A table for two can turn into a job interview with cutlery. A shared bag of something crunchy has never once asked anyone where they see themselves in five years. That is the whole argument for the snack-ranking date, which began life as a corner-shop symposium and has since been given the dignity of a scoring system.

You are not there to be dazzling. You are there to develop a useless opinion and defend it with inappropriate seriousness. Useless opinions are one of the few things two new people can share without handing over a biography.

The house rules

• Meet somewhere public that you can both reach on your own. A shop, a park bench, a café that is happy for you to bring a small purchase or order from them.
• Set a tiny shared budget before you go in. The number should be small enough that losing is funny.
• Ask about allergies and foods they skip before anyone commits to a flavour called “wasabi mystery.”
• Each person chooses one snack the other has not tried, or one you are both prepared to reassess as adults.
• Give the whole exercise a finish time. Forty minutes is a full symposium. Ninety minutes is a senate inquiry.
• Nobody has to finish anything. A polite bite and a strong opinion is a complete turn.

If the nearest shop is a cathedral of identical crisps, lower your standards with pride. The ranking works on chocolate buttons, on three kinds of olive, on the pastry that has been under a light for a courageous amount of time. The snack is a prop. The conversation is the point.

The scorecard

Score each contender from one to five. Ties are legal. Arithmetic is optional. Announce the categories as if a small prize depends on them.

Crunch, snap, or melt

Texture is the only honest critic. A snack can have a marketing department and still disappoint a tooth.

The name

Does it sound like a minor noble, a cancelled spacecraft, or a warning? Extra dignity for names that take themselves seriously.

Packaging drama

Foil. A window. A mascot who has seen some things. You are allowed to give points for effort and then eat the effort.

The second bite

The first bite is advertising. The second bite is the relationship. Note whether you want it.

Would you introduce this to someone you like?

This is the only category that is secretly about the date, and even then it is mostly about the snack. Say yes, no, or “only if we were already laughing.”

The loser receives a short, respectful eulogy. Then everyone moves on with their lives.

When the ranking is over

Declare a winner, or declare a hung parliament. If you are both still having a nice time, suggest a short walk or a drink. If the hour has done its job, say so and head off while the joke is still warm. A good snack date is allowed to be a complete date.

On the way home, keep one detail: the name they defended, the face they made at the olive, the category they invented on the spot. That detail is worth more than a recap of your jobs. It is also the easiest way into a second date, should you want one. You already have a shared institution. It is slightly greasy. This is fine.